MSFL Lenten Mercies | A Time of Undoing

By Janet Lee (Cohort 11) — This year I gave up Lent for Lent. You see, I’m a goal-setter, high achiever, Type A and not at all proud of it. My need to achieve is a stumbling block to the deeper life with God I crave. So Lent presents a real and present danger to me—it’s another chance to perform. What can I give up? Will my sacrifice be good enough? How hard can I make it so that my effort gets noticed by God? It’s so easy to make it about my doing instead of about being undone. Even writing this blog was a temptation to strut my stuff. So, instead I’m going to shut up and die quietly to my over-achieving false self and direct you to a poem by Blake Williams:

Lord Undo Me

I don’t really worship these day.

I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs

or prayers or actions

or with anything.

I am full of all the right moves;

I am full of all the right words;

I am full of all the right religion.

But it is all just illusion,

I am really

Lonely,

Lost,

Calloused,

Jaded,

Cynical,

Too religious,

Too realistic,

and well, really just too lazy

to worship you anymore.

I have lost my first love;

I have lost the joy of your presence.

But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory.

 

Papa God, I need to see you again.

Like Isaiah, I want to stand in awe of your glory;

To fall down at your feet;

To come face to face with your

Perfection,

Radiance,

Goodness,

Holiness,

Awesomeness.

I want to stand before you and see you for who you are

and me for who I am.

 

I want to be undone.

I want to know me for who I really am;

I want to see the depths of my heart

And know that you are the only way,

You are the only truth,

You are the only life.

I want to see me and understand

What it really must have taken for you to

Love me,

Care for me,

See me,

Speak to me,

Want me,

Communicate with me,

Die for me.

Die for me.

Die for me.

 

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory

And my sin

Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.

Lord let me come undone.

Undo my heart;

Lord, undo my heart.

Break down these walls that I love so much.

No, wait don’t,

I’m scared! I don’t know if I can handle this—don’t!

But I can’t live this way anymore;

I can’t stand here in this half-life,

this going through the motions life,

this not really alive life.

Father, I need you—so come in and do what you must!

Cut out the tumor on my heart;

Break down the walls that I love.

Lord, let me come undone.

Undo my heart;

Let me worship you again.

IMG_2360Janet Lee (Cohort 11) runs The Anchor House, a place where homeless single mothers with young children can find hope and healing. She has two grown daughters and one adorable grandson.

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